I don’t even know.

There have been a ton of dreams and desires I have set for myself. Some of them I have achieved, and some I’ve just let fall by the waistside.The ones that have fallen are the ones that keep me up at night. The ones that require the most amount of effort. The ones that I would be investing in now but for future use. 

Am I just lazy? Am I just free-spirited? Am I content? Am I intimidated?  

What’s so confusing to me is how determined I really am. I mean if I really want it, I’ll go get it. 

So does that mean I don’t really want those dreams and desires? If they aren’t important, why do they keep me up at night? 

Or, do I really want them and have successfully talked myself out of achieving them and now I’m unsettled?

Or am I trying to convince myself that I do want them and my inauthenticities ( lying to myself or others) are making it that much harder?

It almost feels like– every time I get excited… I whack myself with a ruler. Calm down! 

We get to choose our path right? But first, we are to ask God to guide us to the path that He has chosen. Then have faith and believe that you are on your path to paradise (despite what happens along the way. ) 

I’m fine with all of that. However, I’m not. 

-Candace