Matthew 11:28 ESV

Some context.. I have been upset on and off about the weight I’ve put on. I purchased a few new it run this week because the blazer I wanted to wear was too tight. Last night I posted a general msg on Facebook about wanting God to turn my struggle into strength. This morning I attempted to put on a coat and it also was too tight.

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My friend came across this scripture in her devotional and texted it to me while I slept.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”

Below is my response:

Thank you for sending this. It makes sense. I just feel like aren’t I supposed to be doing my part so God can bless it? Waiting isn’t effective.

You know how I feel about my weight. I’m having such a hard time. Going to the group yesterday was cool and when I hear people ( especially WLS patients ) talk about people they know that “blew up” or “gained twice as much”‘or “are bigger than when they started” my heart sinks. I am torn up. Not only for them but It’s the most horrible feeling to recognize myself on track with these stories.

I feel like I’m stuck. Between my past ( where I’ve come from — the good and bad ) and my future ( where I could end up ) . Technically I would be in the present right? My present makes me feel like a failure of my past … at least when it comes to my weight gain. I’m so angry and sad. I try to smile through it because I want to accept myself, but I’m not happy like this. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I dont know where to place the blame. I’m scared and embarrassed. And those feelings perpetuate and give strength to my despair.

I don’t know how to fight it or if I even should. Every time I put something on that no longer fits– it’s a punch to the gut. My huge growing gut! Audrey asked .. “doesn’t that motivate you ? ” I wish it did. — I wish I had identified a “why?” Back then, that wasn’t so easily broken. That I could bottle up and drop a dab on my tongue whenever I was loosing motivation.

I literally am terrified to commit. Contemplating all that i would have to sacrifice and all the “willpower” and all the failures and set backs that I would need to endure. Questioning WHY I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS???? I read this post yesterday from this guy who was acknowledging his transformation. He started out at 380 had surgery went down to 230 and regained up to 550! He is now at 185 and gives God all the Glory and says it was a spiritual journey.

God did this. He created all of this. I’m thankful and pissed. I realized the other day by the water.. that I didn’t know God when I had the surgery. He was not acknowledged. From my perspective ..He had nothing to do with it. I did t even know what a blessing was. In retrospect.. I took it all for granted. It was such a fleshy experience. So…! This is where I am. I want to OVERCOME this craziness!

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I guess I’m posting this for awareness and possibly / hopefully testimonial purposes.

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Love? 

I’m going into be honest with you… I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

At first I probably thought it was a given. You know like you’re born and your parents love you. They ohhh and ahhh at everything you do. There are hugs and kisses and gifts and smiles and happiness. And the words.. “I love you “. That’s love right ? Your whole family.. well maybe half of the family expresses love with affection and kind words, where the other half expresses love in gifts and quality time .. perhaps somewhere in the middle. Or at least I think that’s what happened. 

As time goes on, people enter and exit your life. Friends, neighbors, classmates, teachers, relatives, lovers, strangers.. and somewhere in those interactions you realize that what you thought was love, wasn’t really love. 

Your mom can’t say the words but show it. Your dad shouts it from the roof top but there is no action. Your brother kinda just floats somewhere in the middle. You, your friends and family may do and say hurtful things and still stick around or disappear into the past. Confused? Me too. 

Ok so maybe society is right.. maybe love is sex; intimacy. That one on one private time. It’s special. It’s sacred. Until you get come out of the bathroom and he’s gone. Ok.. maybe let me try again with someone else. A handful of late night phone calls, I miss you’s, I only like you as a friend, what’s good for tonight, who’s your friend?, some condoms, some trust, maybe even a few “I love you’s”… and still no love. 

Am I too tall? Ok I’ll hang out with girls my height. Am I mean? Ok I’ll smile more. Do I talk too much? Ok I’ll be quiet.  Am I not generous? Ok I’ll buy that for you. Am I too fat? Ok I’ll lose weight. Am I a prude? Ok let’s bone. Am I boring? Ok I’ll take up a few hobbies. Am I ugly? I’ll get some makeup. Am I stupid? Ok I’ll go to an Ivy League. Am I too easy? Ok I’ll be celibate. 

What is it? Why don’t you love me? What do I need to do to get you to love me? How many time must I be fooled by false love? How many more times will I question my worth? How many more time will I fear the words? How many more time will I give up my body just to feel closeness?How many more nights will I go sleepless? How many more times will I cry to God that he stop playing with my heart? How many more times will I mistake love for loneliness? How many more times will I fill this emptiness with hopelessness?

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I love myself at this point. Maybe I do, but then again I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

-Candace 

Still in a rut !!

Ok so .. Monday, I went to the gym for the first time in .. mmm.. maybe 2 months. 

Yeah it was in August when I last worked out; I took an aquafit class while in D.C. It was like yoga, but in a pool! Yasss!!  (#OAC2016 taught me some new tricks 🙂 

 In my opionion, I still look fly (takes kissy selfie lol) ..umm but I’m up 17lbs since this time last year tho. DAMN!                (My ass got fat, literally! )

Yes, a lot has changed in the past year. I don’t want to go into too many details but, the point is .. 

me + fitting my clothes from last year= fail. 

FML. I need to get it together! 

Stay tuned…

-Candace 

Soar.

When I went to this conference a few weeks back in DC ( don’t know who said it ) but “even a butterfly has to wait and dry its wings..”

As I sit here a year older, as of 4 days ago.. I find myself alone in limbo. Almost standing still.

Looking behind me revisiting what I’ve been through. Seeing things that I’m very glad are over, visions that I can laugh at, memories that make me tear up from sadness and joy. I see quick flashes of faces and hear voices. Above all I can remember how I felt. I have to look ahead because the past has actually stopped. There is nothing new happening, no changes to see. Only the same ole replaying.

Slowly facing forward, turning into darkness. Cautious and eager.

See this butterfly was once a caterpillar. Crawling and feeding on the leaves of trees. I don’t know if caterpillars know they will morph into butterflies but the way I see it is.. whatever was inside that cocoon is sticky and needs to dry. It weighs the wings down. The butterfly’s innate reaction is to spread its wings and fly, but the extra weight makes it near impossible. So it waits.

What I see ahead, beyond the darkness is hope. That there is more to accomplish, more to see. That the journey isn’t done. I’ve been upgraded from tiny feet to wings! I can cover so much ground, flying! But I’m here.. Anxiously waiting for my wings to dry. I want to soar.

-Candace

 

Daughter Diaries

He gave me physical life and raised me wth love and distance. 
Enstilling in me the idea of presence yet teaching me to survive without it. 

Killing off expectations and preparing me to wonder. 

Just enough time to forget only to remember. 

Supporting my dreams with lackluster cutiousity and an ear to listen. 

The superficial void is bandaided with consistently inconsistent speech. 

He has given me passion and an undeniable yearn for connection. 

Knowledge and independence come with a price. Costing resentment and envy. 

Accepting because it’s familiar and hoping for it to change.

The hole in my heart is overflowing with names of those who try to value me the same. 

Inspired to consider love as a game. 

Yet life without him would be like lighting a candle with no wick. Rain that wouldn’t  produce any flowers. Playing a love song on mute. 

Dad and me. 

-Candace 

Thoughts while I’m waiting .. 

God’s definition of your husband is that man who helps you become the best version of yourself and wants you to help him do the same. -The Wait, Devon Franklin and Meagan Good

Me:  How comforting. Who doesnt want such a partner? I do. 

Me: God provides love, purpose, connection and joy. He has surely blessed my husband with these attributes.

Me: What about when you want it to be something to so bad, that you may even start to force it into the mold?

Me: How can you tell when it’s real?

Me: Quoting.. “Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself:” Ephesians 5:28

Me: Does that now make it real? 

Me: What about when you feel so alone, that this vow now seems stupid.

Me:  I can feel myself getting angry waiting on a text or a call from someone who said I was their main focus? Contemplating going back through a door that I left cracked just incase of lonely nights, that the wind just swung wide open and is whispering my name.  

Me: There was this man on the train the other day.. Probably in his mid to late 60s. He was being extra and was mumbling ( angrily ) about being single for the past 5 years lol. I thought to myself .. I absolutely get it sir!

Me: In all honesty, I do believe that my best friend is out there. That God is preparing me to meet him. I will know it’s real when I can talk to him about my prayers, laugh with him, cry with him, flirt with him, learn with him and love with him. 

Me: He will propose marriage to me. 

Me: Always hoping that the next guy, is the last guy. 

God, please save me from myself!

When you aren’t having any luck controlling what you think is controllable..and are focused on all that you CAN’T do..
The one thing you CAN do.. 

You can do it for free 

You can do it alone 

You can do it at any time of the day You can do it where ever you are 

You can do it for any reason or no reason at all..

Is PRAY. 
Talk to your God, tell him why your happy. Tell him why your sad. 
He CAN control it. He WILL control it. He DOES control it. 
None of this was designed by accident or to be done alone. 
#GiveItToGod #ItsHisAnyway

-Candace