Skinned knees and shit

It doesn’t matter how good it sounds. How logical it seems. “In the long run it makes sense”. Walking away is and has never been easy.

Have you ever ran and tripped ( maybe as a kid) and skinned your knee? It’s red and bleeding and the skin has clearly been scrapped off. It hurts to walk. The tears are from shock. The pain hasn’t even really set in yet. You’re just reliving the trauma. How did that happen?! Oh yeah. I remember now. :: Cringe :: stupid! stupid! Stupid!

I’m never doing that again.

Now it’s time for the soap and water or peroxide (my mom is in nursing). You have to clean it or you’re loosing your leg! It’s not alcohol thank God! but we all know it’s gonna sting one way or another.

The pouring of the peroxide feels cool and painless… then it begins… the sting and simultaneous foaming. ( Fuuuck! That stings! ) ok but it’s working right?!

Ok I did my part. I handled it… like Olivia Pope.

Anddddd… the healing process begins. The ointment, the bandaids, the soreness, the limping, the discoloration, the accidental bang ( fuck that hurt! ) the itching, the scabbing.

Ok. The pain went away. The skin is growing back– you can see the pigment… Finally. Healing.

Pretty much back to normal.. but the scar remains. Reminding you to.. idk… slow the hell down, stop texting and walking, 3 shots of tequila is enough, the railing is there for a reason, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!

( more than likely, we do it again.. smh )

We’ve all been there. We all know that we will heal.. but the process is rough. I’m just saying.

-Candace

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Local love.

It’s simply not fair.

There’s nothing you can do to make someone fall for you. Choose you, see you, want you, need you.

I’m sad and hurt and confused, feel used.

Why ask to lend you my heart if you knew it was only temporary from the start?

It’s simply not fair.

because I gave it to you .. to nurture and keep safe despite the hesitation.

You may have felt a tingle but not enough to cease the mingle.

Honest but intentional to keep me around for your entertainment, for your lonely nights, for your local love.

It’s simply not fair.

After candles and flower petals, love making to soft sounds

its over and it hurts

Im tired of the butterflies of hope only fluttering around but not landing.

I thought with you, this time, it wouldn’t be a tease

I keep wondering why God only allows me a sip and not drink of everlasting love.

It’s simply not fair.

Now I have to put my game face on, as though my insides don’t feel raw and sting with every breath.

Now I have to push through this pain that I so hoped to avoid.

Now I have to focus on everything that isn’t you.. even if you made the most mundane things tolerable.

Now I have to sleep alone again. Now I have to cry again. Now I have to figure it out again.

Now I will have to trust again.

Its simply not fair.

-Candace

Love? 

I’m going into be honest with you… I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

At first I probably thought it was a given. You know like you’re born and your parents love you. They ohhh and ahhh at everything you do. There are hugs and kisses and gifts and smiles and happiness. And the words.. “I love you “. That’s love right ? Your whole family.. well maybe half of the family expresses love with affection and kind words, where the other half expresses love in gifts and quality time .. perhaps somewhere in the middle. Or at least I think that’s what happened. 

As time goes on, people enter and exit your life. Friends, neighbors, classmates, teachers, relatives, lovers, strangers.. and somewhere in those interactions you realize that what you thought was love, wasn’t really love. 

Your mom can’t say the words but show it. Your dad shouts it from the roof top but there is no action. Your brother kinda just floats somewhere in the middle. You, your friends and family may do and say hurtful things and still stick around or disappear into the past. Confused? Me too. 

Ok so maybe society is right.. maybe love is sex; intimacy. That one on one private time. It’s special. It’s sacred. Until you get come out of the bathroom and he’s gone. Ok.. maybe let me try again with someone else. A handful of late night phone calls, I miss you’s, I only like you as a friend, what’s good for tonight, who’s your friend?, some condoms, some trust, maybe even a few “I love you’s”… and still no love. 

Am I too tall? Ok I’ll hang out with girls my height. Am I mean? Ok I’ll smile more. Do I talk too much? Ok I’ll be quiet.  Am I not generous? Ok I’ll buy that for you. Am I too fat? Ok I’ll lose weight. Am I a prude? Ok let’s bone. Am I boring? Ok I’ll take up a few hobbies. Am I ugly? I’ll get some makeup. Am I stupid? Ok I’ll go to an Ivy League. Am I too easy? Ok I’ll be celibate. 

What is it? Why don’t you love me? What do I need to do to get you to love me? How many time must I be fooled by false love? How many more times will I question my worth? How many more time will I fear the words? How many more time will I give up my body just to feel closeness?How many more nights will I go sleepless? How many more times will I cry to God that he stop playing with my heart? How many more times will I mistake love for loneliness? How many more times will I fill this emptiness with hopelessness?

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I love myself at this point. Maybe I do, but then again I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

-Candace 

Still in a rut !!

Ok so .. Monday, I went to the gym for the first time in .. mmm.. maybe 2 months. 

Yeah it was in August when I last worked out; I took an aquafit class while in D.C. It was like yoga, but in a pool! Yasss!!  (#OAC2016 taught me some new tricks 🙂 

 In my opionion, I still look fly (takes kissy selfie lol) ..umm but I’m up 17lbs since this time last year tho. DAMN!                (My ass got fat, literally! )

Yes, a lot has changed in the past year. I don’t want to go into too many details but, the point is .. 

me + fitting my clothes from last year= fail. 

FML. I need to get it together! 

Stay tuned…

-Candace 

Thoughts while I’m waiting .. 

God’s definition of your husband is that man who helps you become the best version of yourself and wants you to help him do the same. -The Wait, Devon Franklin and Meagan Good

Me:  How comforting. Who doesnt want such a partner? I do. 

Me: God provides love, purpose, connection and joy. He has surely blessed my husband with these attributes.

Me: What about when you want it to be something to so bad, that you may even start to force it into the mold?

Me: How can you tell when it’s real?

Me: Quoting.. “Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself:” Ephesians 5:28

Me: Does that now make it real? 

Me: What about when you feel so alone, that this vow now seems stupid.

Me:  I can feel myself getting angry waiting on a text or a call from someone who said I was their main focus? Contemplating going back through a door that I left cracked just incase of lonely nights, that the wind just swung wide open and is whispering my name.  

Me: There was this man on the train the other day.. Probably in his mid to late 60s. He was being extra and was mumbling ( angrily ) about being single for the past 5 years lol. I thought to myself .. I absolutely get it sir!

Me: In all honesty, I do believe that my best friend is out there. That God is preparing me to meet him. I will know it’s real when I can talk to him about my prayers, laugh with him, cry with him, flirt with him, learn with him and love with him. 

Me: He will propose marriage to me. 

Me: Always hoping that the next guy, is the last guy. 

Gone..

Mom said I’m “shedding”. Growing out of my skin. 

I’m looking around and everything that was familiar, no longer holds the same shape or serves the same purpose. I’m so angry and frustrated about the pile of dead skin that lay before me! 

So many questions. When did this happen? Why is this happening? How did this happen? What can I do to stop the growth?! 

The answer is… 

Exactly. The answer is everything I do and I do not want to hear. The answer stares back at me — like a reflection in a dirty mirror.  

Yeah, yeah. Change is necessary and inevitable. 

The skin was itchy, and pale. It cracked with every smile, it softened with every tear. The skin used to be taut and vibrant. It moved with my every step and blended well with the elements. 

One would think that the new skin would automatically feel better, but it feels like a foreign object that’s laying on top of me that I am forced to accept. 

Yearning for that old thing back. Yes, that old thing that was me. 

It’s just about gone now. 

My scent is to unite with this fresh skin. Stretching so that it fits from head to toe and glides around every curve. Tested to endure the most critical of circumstances. Casting a shadow of newness. 

Resisting the transition has been painful. I should just roll around against the ground and help the rest detach. Trusting that nature will renew my strength, adjusting to the mold of the new me with cooperation and dignity. 

-Candace 

Dear Love,

Where are you?

I’m waiting for you.

I’ve been dreaming about you for so long love.  A silhouette of a thought. A prayer from my soul.

I can’t hear you. I can see you. I can’t smell you.

I’m calling out to you love but you aren’t responding.

Do you not like how I sound, look or smell? Do I push you away when you come near?

Are you afraid? Am I afraid?

You’re too busy. There are other things more important than my arms wrapped around you love, telling you that I love you, love. I’m too busy.

What I feel is emptiness. Like my heart is on autopilot craving to skip a beat.

The space in my heart that belongs to you love, is plugged with the love from God.

He’s really protective it seems. He won’t give up his space to have it replaced.

He must find you worthy. He must find me worthy.

I guess I’m not ready and yes, it’s painful to prepare.

But I’m keeping the faith and Im working on it love and know you are too.

Soon love.

-Candace