Love? 

I’m going into be honest with you… I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

At first I probably thought it was a given. You know like you’re born and your parents love you. They ohhh and ahhh at everything you do. There are hugs and kisses and gifts and smiles and happiness. And the words.. “I love you “. That’s love right ? Your whole family.. well maybe half of the family expresses love with affection and kind words, where the other half expresses love in gifts and quality time .. perhaps somewhere in the middle. Or at least I think that’s what happened. 

As time goes on, people enter and exit your life. Friends, neighbors, classmates, teachers, relatives, lovers, strangers.. and somewhere in those interactions you realize that what you thought was love, wasn’t really love. 

Your mom can’t say the words but show it. Your dad shouts it from the roof top but there is no action. Your brother kinda just floats somewhere in the middle. You, your friends and family may do and say hurtful things and still stick around or disappear into the past. Confused? Me too. 

Ok so maybe society is right.. maybe love is sex; intimacy. That one on one private time. It’s special. It’s sacred. Until you get come out of the bathroom and he’s gone. Ok.. maybe let me try again with someone else. A handful of late night phone calls, I miss you’s, I only like you as a friend, what’s good for tonight, who’s your friend?, some condoms, some trust, maybe even a few “I love you’s”… and still no love. 

Am I too tall? Ok I’ll hang out with girls my height. Am I mean? Ok I’ll smile more. Do I talk too much? Ok I’ll be quiet.  Am I not generous? Ok I’ll buy that for you. Am I too fat? Ok I’ll lose weight. Am I a prude? Ok let’s bone. Am I boring? Ok I’ll take up a few hobbies. Am I ugly? I’ll get some makeup. Am I stupid? Ok I’ll go to an Ivy League. Am I too easy? Ok I’ll be celibate. 

What is it? Why don’t you love me? What do I need to do to get you to love me? How many time must I be fooled by false love? How many more times will I question my worth? How many more time will I fear the words? How many more time will I give up my body just to feel closeness?How many more nights will I go sleepless? How many more times will I cry to God that he stop playing with my heart? How many more times will I mistake love for loneliness? How many more times will I fill this emptiness with hopelessness?

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I love myself at this point. Maybe I do, but then again I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

-Candace 

No mac-n-cheese in Heaven?

“There’s no Mac-n-cheese in Heaven” my cousin says. My reply, “LMAO! I don’t know what your heaven looks like but mine definitely has mac-n-cheese!” 
I don’t really have to add that mac n cheese is the truth, but in case you didn’t know.. well now you do!
Saturday night I walk in the diningroom at my grandmothers house and am greeted by my family. We were having a Thanksgiving dinner re-do. Thanksgiving is the best holiday. All the best dishes are prepared. Mac n cheese, sweet potatoes, turkey, ham, collard greens, cranberry sauce, etc
The first comment: “you’re not going to eat?” I literally had just walked in the room. But ensured Lisa , that I was going to eat. I sat down and began to make myself a plate. I took a few spoonfuls of each dish. I was sitting next to Ashely and sitting across from us, my aunt said : Ashely what are you eating? She had a roll in her hand. I had just taken one. My aunt said: “you need to put that roll down and so does candy and she needs to remove that macaroni off her plate too, we saw your Facebook post! ” 
My immediate response was “I’m grown, don’t check me! ” my next comment was an attempt to fight back from that blow. I attempted to explain my post. I had gotten a few different reactions from people liking my status, to people commenting on separate posts– speaking to what I had just put out there, to people texting me directly to express their relateabilty. 
The situation is bitter sweet. Ok so the post… ( some context first , I’ve been battling with my weight re-gain for a some time now, a little over a year and this particular day I made an appointment with Dr. Silva to be weighed. I knew what the scale would read. I was far from delusional. My clothes don’t fit, my face is chunckier, pictures have exposed the unwanted trend. The surgeons scale has always been the official weigh in for me. I was ready to face the music. A couple weeks ago my eleven year old cousin was very frank about the weight gain. She said I looked a little fat in a picture she saw of me. That was enough right there! I wanted to bury my head in the ground. Yet, I thanked her for the rude, yet compassionate kick in the gut. Ok so moving on.. after I left the surgeons office, a wave of truth and disappointment came over me. I had another doctor’s appointment directly following so processing my weigh-in came later. 
I didn’t even realize my reaction, but when I left Ny & Co with two pairs of jeans for $80.00, I should have know something was up. Later that night, I posted this on Facebook: 
3.5 years ago I was the most fit and healthy I have ever been. Today… I got weighed by my surgeon and found out I gained 24 lbs since my last weigh-in 17 months ago… Funny thing is ( ok not “funny”) that this is my reality. That the disease, obesity is alive and well. That I will have to live with all its symptoms, side effects, gifts (the awareness) and BS forever. As much as it hurts to feel defeated, it hurts so much more to just give up and let the pain accumulate. Truthfully, I don’t know what any of this means for me and my future. What I do know is, life has to continue. There will be good days and some really bad ones. The struggle is so real and because I know I’m not alone– I want make sure others know they aren’t alone either. #whatTodaywaslike#notThegreatest #Usedtobe347pounds#cheers #thankful #staytrue#fightwithmoxey
Oh ok and then right after that, I posted: Oh and .. I put my personal business out there .. Not for pity or judgment but for awareness and education. #thisismyreallife
 I’m not really sure what it bought up for other people but for me, bringing awareness to the issues I am and have been facing. Those on Facebook have seriously cheered me on since I started this weight loss journey. In Social Work school we learned about “vicarious trauma” or “secondary trauma”or even sometimes called “compassion fatigue.” This is basically when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experience of someone else. Think about when you watch a video on Facebook or YouTube of a police shooting. Even though it didn’t happen to you, witnessing it “indirectly” actually has an effect on you. With that being said, the various reactions confirmed this for me. 
Anyway, I thought this was interesting to share in the grand scheme of things. It’s part of the journey. It’s even more apparent how this journey isn’t mine alone. My life’s purpose is to enlighten others about Obesity as a disease and to encourage the personal fight within. Inspire those to trust their God-given and renewable strength to keep going.  
Just so you know, I definitely did NOT remove the mac-n-cheese from my plate. I ate it, along with everything else I had going on and even took home a plate. Don’t judge me! lol well you can if you want. 
Oh and I know there will be mac-n-cheese in heaven! Anything else would be uncivilized!! 
– Candace 

Still in a rut !!

Ok so .. Monday, I went to the gym for the first time in .. mmm.. maybe 2 months. 

Yeah it was in August when I last worked out; I took an aquafit class while in D.C. It was like yoga, but in a pool! Yasss!!  (#OAC2016 taught me some new tricks 🙂 

 In my opionion, I still look fly (takes kissy selfie lol) ..umm but I’m up 17lbs since this time last year tho. DAMN!                (My ass got fat, literally! )

Yes, a lot has changed in the past year. I don’t want to go into too many details but, the point is .. 

me + fitting my clothes from last year= fail. 

FML. I need to get it together! 

Stay tuned…

-Candace 

Dear Love,

Where are you?

I’m waiting for you.

I’ve been dreaming about you for so long love.  A silhouette of a thought. A prayer from my soul.

I can’t hear you. I can see you. I can’t smell you.

I’m calling out to you love but you aren’t responding.

Do you not like how I sound, look or smell? Do I push you away when you come near?

Are you afraid? Am I afraid?

You’re too busy. There are other things more important than my arms wrapped around you love, telling you that I love you, love. I’m too busy.

What I feel is emptiness. Like my heart is on autopilot craving to skip a beat.

The space in my heart that belongs to you love, is plugged with the love from God.

He’s really protective it seems. He won’t give up his space to have it replaced.

He must find you worthy. He must find me worthy.

I guess I’m not ready and yes, it’s painful to prepare.

But I’m keeping the faith and Im working on it love and know you are too.

Soon love.

-Candace

Side-eye pt 2

Hmm

You know.. I’m in a place in my life where, not only am taking note of the BullShit during this dating thing but what’s super annoying is when I still fall for it!! I want to be open and experience men for who they choose to be, not who their past dictates. I want to wait for that special guy. I want to wait in every way, because I and all that I have to offer is precious and worth it. He is also and will give me all that I have ever needed.

Remember dude in my last post Side-eye ? ..

So for about a week and some change after we exchanged numbers (for the second time), he begins to actively seek me out and I mean from 0 to 100. Mind you, I never looked his way. I didn’t even know he existed let alone viewed him with pending interest prior. However, Ive been open to connecting with people. With that being said .. it’s been a while since someone showed interest in me the way he did.We talked on the phone, we texted and saw each other a bunch during this time period. It helped that we literally live 5 mins from each other. It was to the point that I didn’t want to let him know how much I was enjoying this.

I briefly explained that I am in the market for something serious. That I am looking for someone that understands that I have goals and taking action to them. That I would like support not a distraction. That I would like people around me that are also taking action in their lives and we will motivate each other. I am waiting for someone who wants to be in a relationship.

He put a lot of his story out there front and center. His relationship with his daughter’s mother, his challenges, he mentioned giving up his body for lent. His thoughts about relationships for him at this point.We spoke about his triumphs, talked about his family, our mutual connections, we went out to eat, talked about future career plans, grocery shopping, we went on a few road trips too and laughed. All of this happened in about 2 weeks time. Oh and don’t let me forget about his..options (yes, I said options!).

Considering I made it pretty clear that I had no previous intentions and we were getting to know each other, the multiple phone calls he would receive (that would pop up on the car’s dash) didn’t really bother me. He wanted to spend time with me — I was enjoying it. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I noticed, but because he already was honest about his dealings and me having my own space with this…I just rolled with it.

After spending some more time together and enjoying each others company, the attraction on my end was growing. I took notice of but refused to give in. We spoke about me not wanting to get close (he said I had a wall up you’re damn right I did!) I physically was trying to keep my distance in order to keep this light, so we could get to know each other without the distractions. No hand holding, no kissing, NO sex. (He’s pretty affectionate and I giggled because I liked it but wouldn’t do it in return).

There were a few times he mentioned us just hanging out at this house. He tried all sorts of ways, including offering to cook, being comfortable, watching movies, giving me the cold shoulder, pouting and even making me feel a tad guilty…Don’t care, not doing it.

Fast forward… there was a little bit of a shift. We did kiss… a few times.It was nice, really nice. In my head im like..

Ohhh no Candace– stop now.Whew!

Ok so.. this particular incident after grocery shopping he asked me to help him bring his stuff in. In my head im like oh here we go… hes trying to get me in the house. After some convincing I said okay. He kept his word, we unpacked his groceries– he showed me around and we left. Definitely should have just stayed my ass in the car. Nothing happened that night except it opened up this level of comfort..that’s when everything changed. He transformed into every thing he said he wasn’t.

And… We’re Back to the side-eye.

-Candace