THIS DAMN SHIRT HAS TO GO!

Ok so this is like kind of funny but like not funny. Lol.

I don’t know which is more pressing; the fact that I bought a shirt (despite how cute it is) that I think is a maternity shirt or the haunting words of my therapist “until you can change your relationship with food, you won’t lose weight.”

Let’s talk about this shirt for a second. I’ve had to suck it up and actively shop for “school clothes” aka known as “I definitely don’t fit into any of this stuff from last fall and I am tired of lying to myself and attempting to squeeze my ass in these jeans clothes”. So, I brought a couple pairs of jeans on sale, size 16’s. Yikes! Listen, yes I am up from the size 10-12’s I used to STRUT in,but maaaan am I happy to have some jeans that I can breathe in!

On the train one day I made a list of essential clothes for the season:

3 pairs of leggings

3 long cardigans

1-2 pairs of sneakers

2 pairs of dress pants

3 button down shirts ( black, gray and color/pattern)

1 pair of jeans

5 tops/ blouses

1 pair of booties

3 bras

One thing I’ve learned is, not only when things do not fit they are uncomfortable, but they look a hot ass mess!

Essentially, I would shop over time while keeping these items in my mind and crossing them off the list as they were purchased.

Today, the weather was just right. Ahhh fall! I left the house in my new favorite pair of size 16 distressed jeans, a white tee and a denim button-up wrapped around my waist. I had to run a few errands and I thought I looked kinda cute. I found myself tugging on my shirt a bit more than I would have liked to, that is a red flag.

On the way to see my therapist this morning, the chill in the air was refreshing but a tad nippy. My therapist’s office is located close to a mini shopping strip on the Upper West Side. There s a Marshall’s in walking distance.

This meeting I had with her today was interesting to say the least. We have mentioned if and how I wanted to continue having sessions, since it’s been about 6 months. Long story short, ( which evidently will have to be discussed in a different post) I made clear that there have been positive changes since I started therapy and still wanted to lose weight. She replied “you’re not going to unless you change your relationship with food.” I was dumbfounded. Not in a bad way, more of a ‘yeah I guess you’re right’ kind of way. The session was over (what a nice bomb to drop on my recovery journey! lol ). I said my goodbyes and approached the strip. I decided to look for a shirt to change into at Marshall’s.

I grabbed a bunch of button-down shirts. Flannel, striped, larges and extra-larges. I wanted something a little baggy and less form-fitting. I tried a few shirts on and one in particular I chose to look at in the bigger hallway mirror. A blue and white thin striped shirt with a sash long enough to tie into a bow in the front, size XL. I have a pretty flat stomach, even with the gained weight. I thought the shirt was cute but the way the sash was sitting made me get a second opinion. I asked the older lady working the dressing room what she thought. She said she liked it. I asked if it made me look pregnant and she said “no, your tummy is flat”. I smiled thanked her and wore it out the store.

Naaaah Yo! THIS DAMN SHIRT HAS GOT TO GO! I don’t care what that lady said! I’ve tied the sash it in the front, the side, the back and I still look freaking pregnant! I’m really self-conscious about it. Ok so I’ve gained like 35lbs, but daaaayum. All I need is for someone to ask me if I want a seat on the train and I’m going home topless!

Anyway, the point is — wow, is this what it has come to? I’m picking up shirts to hide my “food baby”??? Lawwwd take the wheel.

Thanks for reading! Lol

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Daughter Diaries

He gave me physical life and raised me wth love and distance. 
Enstilling in me the idea of presence yet teaching me to survive without it. 

Killing off expectations and preparing me to wonder. 

Just enough time to forget only to remember. 

Supporting my dreams with lackluster cutiousity and an ear to listen. 

The superficial void is bandaided with consistently inconsistent speech. 

He has given me passion and an undeniable yearn for connection. 

Knowledge and independence come with a price. Costing resentment and envy. 

Accepting because it’s familiar and hoping for it to change.

The hole in my heart is overflowing with names of those who try to value me the same. 

Inspired to consider love as a game. 

Yet life without him would be like lighting a candle with no wick. Rain that wouldn’t  produce any flowers. Playing a love song on mute. 

Dad and me. 

-Candace 

Gone..

Mom said I’m “shedding”. Growing out of my skin. 

I’m looking around and everything that was familiar, no longer holds the same shape or serves the same purpose. I’m so angry and frustrated about the pile of dead skin that lay before me! 

So many questions. When did this happen? Why is this happening? How did this happen? What can I do to stop the growth?! 

The answer is… 

Exactly. The answer is everything I do and I do not want to hear. The answer stares back at me — like a reflection in a dirty mirror.  

Yeah, yeah. Change is necessary and inevitable. 

The skin was itchy, and pale. It cracked with every smile, it softened with every tear. The skin used to be taut and vibrant. It moved with my every step and blended well with the elements. 

One would think that the new skin would automatically feel better, but it feels like a foreign object that’s laying on top of me that I am forced to accept. 

Yearning for that old thing back. Yes, that old thing that was me. 

It’s just about gone now. 

My scent is to unite with this fresh skin. Stretching so that it fits from head to toe and glides around every curve. Tested to endure the most critical of circumstances. Casting a shadow of newness. 

Resisting the transition has been painful. I should just roll around against the ground and help the rest detach. Trusting that nature will renew my strength, adjusting to the mold of the new me with cooperation and dignity. 

-Candace 

Lifting my head..to say I’m sorry. 

I feel pretty disconnected. Like someone cut the telephone wire or the bill wasn’t paid. I’m steady talking into the muted phone as if what I’m doing is really making any sense. 

I did something I shouldn’t have done and feel so ashamed. I shy away because I don’t  want to face up to the wrath of disobedience. My head hangs low, my eyes closed tight. 

I thought I was making progress only to fall three steps back. Now I’m scared to leave myself vulnerable for that kind of disappointment. 

The punishment is shame. 

Today at service Pastor said: 

Don’t think because you have sinned your relationship can’t be saved. Regardless of what you’ve done , in spite of yourself.. God Loves you. Confess your sins, say you’re sorry — you will be forgiven. 

 A prayer from the heart that is honest and most vulnerable. There is no judgement but a hope of dialogue. 

It’s time to confess and welcome the warmth of forgiveness. To mend what has been broken. To step into the light away from the shadow. To receive a hug only The Father can give. For my tears to be wiped away leaving only streaks of faith. 

Confessing takes bravery. Forgiveness renews strength. 

Side-eye pt 2

Hmm

You know.. I’m in a place in my life where, not only am taking note of the BullShit during this dating thing but what’s super annoying is when I still fall for it!! I want to be open and experience men for who they choose to be, not who their past dictates. I want to wait for that special guy. I want to wait in every way, because I and all that I have to offer is precious and worth it. He is also and will give me all that I have ever needed.

Remember dude in my last post Side-eye ? ..

So for about a week and some change after we exchanged numbers (for the second time), he begins to actively seek me out and I mean from 0 to 100. Mind you, I never looked his way. I didn’t even know he existed let alone viewed him with pending interest prior. However, Ive been open to connecting with people. With that being said .. it’s been a while since someone showed interest in me the way he did.We talked on the phone, we texted and saw each other a bunch during this time period. It helped that we literally live 5 mins from each other. It was to the point that I didn’t want to let him know how much I was enjoying this.

I briefly explained that I am in the market for something serious. That I am looking for someone that understands that I have goals and taking action to them. That I would like support not a distraction. That I would like people around me that are also taking action in their lives and we will motivate each other. I am waiting for someone who wants to be in a relationship.

He put a lot of his story out there front and center. His relationship with his daughter’s mother, his challenges, he mentioned giving up his body for lent. His thoughts about relationships for him at this point.We spoke about his triumphs, talked about his family, our mutual connections, we went out to eat, talked about future career plans, grocery shopping, we went on a few road trips too and laughed. All of this happened in about 2 weeks time. Oh and don’t let me forget about his..options (yes, I said options!).

Considering I made it pretty clear that I had no previous intentions and we were getting to know each other, the multiple phone calls he would receive (that would pop up on the car’s dash) didn’t really bother me. He wanted to spend time with me — I was enjoying it. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I noticed, but because he already was honest about his dealings and me having my own space with this…I just rolled with it.

After spending some more time together and enjoying each others company, the attraction on my end was growing. I took notice of but refused to give in. We spoke about me not wanting to get close (he said I had a wall up you’re damn right I did!) I physically was trying to keep my distance in order to keep this light, so we could get to know each other without the distractions. No hand holding, no kissing, NO sex. (He’s pretty affectionate and I giggled because I liked it but wouldn’t do it in return).

There were a few times he mentioned us just hanging out at this house. He tried all sorts of ways, including offering to cook, being comfortable, watching movies, giving me the cold shoulder, pouting and even making me feel a tad guilty…Don’t care, not doing it.

Fast forward… there was a little bit of a shift. We did kiss… a few times.It was nice, really nice. In my head im like..

Ohhh no Candace– stop now.Whew!

Ok so.. this particular incident after grocery shopping he asked me to help him bring his stuff in. In my head im like oh here we go… hes trying to get me in the house. After some convincing I said okay. He kept his word, we unpacked his groceries– he showed me around and we left. Definitely should have just stayed my ass in the car. Nothing happened that night except it opened up this level of comfort..that’s when everything changed. He transformed into every thing he said he wasn’t.

And… We’re Back to the side-eye.

-Candace