The Box Assignment

I wanted to bring this box..

It’s measurements are 16x14x7. Empty, solid and already decorated.

On the outside there are large, watercolor- painted flowers; mostly in pink and purple. I love flowers!

The petals are shades of blue and green. A deep teal color floods the background.

There’s a flap with a magnetic closure that snaps the box shut. The flap is covered in gold foiled polka dots. Gold is my favorite accent!

A perfect representation; powerful in size, simple, yet bold. Home-goods was spot on!

My mom gave me the box, unbeknownst to her what my intentions were.

Now, what to fill it with? The inside of this box is already lined with a paper that is light pink with a brush pattern.

Ok. Let’s dig through this pile of life. I’ve got some bubble wrap, a few post-it notes, a bible, maybe a mirror?

Yikes.. there goes that bottle of tears, I can throw in half of a heart, shards of glass, unkind words, reminisce of a sandwich, a couple of diplomas, some likes on IG, empty relationships, busted hopes, deferred dreams, memories.. yeah… those memories.

The ones with the white house, yard space, barking dog, barbeques and family ties.

That took up a lot of space. I don’t know if there is room for anything else.

But these should fit too. I have photographs of smiles, scented candles, passport stamps from adventures, birthday cards, hugs and kisses, heavy duty tape, non-scale victories, a voice with passion, Starbucks gift cards, doodles from Olivia, a desire to empower, group text messages, a shot glass, a journal of wishes, nail polish, family-dynamics, more bubble wrap, yes.. more bubble wrap and the other half of a heart.

I wanted to bring this box..

It’s a 16x14x7. Empty, solid and an already decorated box. A perfect representation; powerful in size, simple, yet bold.

It was just too heavy to carry.

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Matthew 11:28 ESV

Some context.. I have been upset on and off about the weight I’ve put on. I purchased a few new it run this week because the blazer I wanted to wear was too tight. Last night I posted a general msg on Facebook about wanting God to turn my struggle into strength. This morning I attempted to put on a coat and it also was too tight.

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My friend came across this scripture in her devotional and texted it to me while I slept.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”

Below is my response:

Thank you for sending this. It makes sense. I just feel like aren’t I supposed to be doing my part so God can bless it? Waiting isn’t effective.

You know how I feel about my weight. I’m having such a hard time. Going to the group yesterday was cool and when I hear people ( especially WLS patients ) talk about people they know that “blew up” or “gained twice as much”‘or “are bigger than when they started” my heart sinks. I am torn up. Not only for them but It’s the most horrible feeling to recognize myself on track with these stories.

I feel like I’m stuck. Between my past ( where I’ve come from — the good and bad ) and my future ( where I could end up ) . Technically I would be in the present right? My present makes me feel like a failure of my past … at least when it comes to my weight gain. I’m so angry and sad. I try to smile through it because I want to accept myself, but I’m not happy like this. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I dont know where to place the blame. I’m scared and embarrassed. And those feelings perpetuate and give strength to my despair.

I don’t know how to fight it or if I even should. Every time I put something on that no longer fits– it’s a punch to the gut. My huge growing gut! Audrey asked .. “doesn’t that motivate you ? ” I wish it did. — I wish I had identified a “why?” Back then, that wasn’t so easily broken. That I could bottle up and drop a dab on my tongue whenever I was loosing motivation.

I literally am terrified to commit. Contemplating all that i would have to sacrifice and all the “willpower” and all the failures and set backs that I would need to endure. Questioning WHY I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS???? I read this post yesterday from this guy who was acknowledging his transformation. He started out at 380 had surgery went down to 230 and regained up to 550! He is now at 185 and gives God all the Glory and says it was a spiritual journey.

God did this. He created all of this. I’m thankful and pissed. I realized the other day by the water.. that I didn’t know God when I had the surgery. He was not acknowledged. From my perspective ..He had nothing to do with it. I did t even know what a blessing was. In retrospect.. I took it all for granted. It was such a fleshy experience. So…! This is where I am. I want to OVERCOME this craziness!

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I guess I’m posting this for awareness and possibly / hopefully testimonial purposes.