Ok so this is like kind of funny but like not funny. Lol.
I don’t know which is more pressing; the fact that I bought a shirt (despite how cute it is) that I think is a maternity shirt or the haunting words of my therapist “until you can change your relationship with food, you won’t lose weight.”
Let’s talk about this shirt for a second. I’ve had to suck it up and actively shop for “school clothes” aka known as “I definitely don’t fit into any of this stuff from last fall and I am tired of lying to myself and attempting to squeeze my ass in these jeans clothes”. So, I brought a couple pairs of jeans on sale, size 16’s. Yikes! Listen, yes I am up from the size 10-12’s I used to STRUT in,but maaaan am I happy to have some jeans that I can breathe in!
On the train one day I made a list of essential clothes for the season:
3 pairs of leggings
3 long cardigans
1-2 pairs of sneakers
2 pairs of dress pants
3 button down shirts ( black, gray and color/pattern)
1 pair of jeans
5 tops/ blouses
1 pair of booties
One thing I’ve learned is, not only when things do not fit they are uncomfortable, but they look a hot ass mess!
Essentially, I would shop over time while keeping these items in my mind and crossing them off the list as they were purchased.
Today, the weather was just right. Ahhh fall! I left the house in my new favorite pair of size 16 distressed jeans, a white tee and a denim button-up wrapped around my waist. I had to run a few errands and I thought I looked kinda cute. I found myself tugging on my shirt a bit more than I would have liked to, that is a red flag.
On the way to see my therapist this morning, the chill in the air was refreshing but a tad nippy. My therapist’s office is located close to a mini shopping strip on the Upper West Side. There s a Marshall’s in walking distance.
This meeting I had with her today was interesting to say the least. We have mentioned if and how I wanted to continue having sessions, since it’s been about 6 months. Long story short, ( which evidently will have to be discussed in a different post) I made clear that there have been positive changes since I started therapy and still wanted to lose weight. She replied “you’re not going to unless you change your relationship with food.” I was dumbfounded. Not in a bad way, more of a ‘yeah I guess you’re right’ kind of way. The session was over (what a nice bomb to drop on my recovery journey! lol ). I said my goodbyes and approached the strip. I decided to look for a shirt to change into at Marshall’s.
I grabbed a bunch of button-down shirts. Flannel, striped, larges and extra-larges. I wanted something a little baggy and less form-fitting. I tried a few shirts on and one in particular I chose to look at in the bigger hallway mirror. A blue and white thin striped shirt with a sash long enough to tie into a bow in the front, size XL. I have a pretty flat stomach, even with the gained weight. I thought the shirt was cute but the way the sash was sitting made me get a second opinion. I asked the older lady working the dressing room what she thought. She said she liked it. I asked if it made me look pregnant and she said “no, your tummy is flat”. I smiled thanked her and wore it out the store.
Naaaah Yo! THIS DAMN SHIRT HAS GOT TO GO! I don’t care what that lady said! I’ve tied the sash it in the front, the side, the back and I still look freaking pregnant! I’m really self-conscious about it. Ok so I’ve gained like 35lbs, but daaaayum. All I need is for someone to ask me if I want a seat on the train and I’m going home topless!
Anyway, the point is — wow, is this what it has come to? I’m picking up shirts to hide my “food baby”??? Lawwwd take the wheel.
Thanks for reading! Lol