THIS DAMN SHIRT HAS TO GO!

Ok so this is like kind of funny but like not funny. Lol.

I don’t know which is more pressing; the fact that I bought a shirt (despite how cute it is) that I think is a maternity shirt or the haunting words of my therapist “until you can change your relationship with food, you won’t lose weight.”

Let’s talk about this shirt for a second. I’ve had to suck it up and actively shop for “school clothes” aka known as “I definitely don’t fit into any of this stuff from last fall and I am tired of lying to myself and attempting to squeeze my ass in these jeans clothes”. So, I brought a couple pairs of jeans on sale, size 16’s. Yikes! Listen, yes I am up from the size 10-12’s I used to STRUT in,but maaaan am I happy to have some jeans that I can breathe in!

On the train one day I made a list of essential clothes for the season:

3 pairs of leggings

3 long cardigans

1-2 pairs of sneakers

2 pairs of dress pants

3 button down shirts ( black, gray and color/pattern)

1 pair of jeans

5 tops/ blouses

1 pair of booties

3 bras

One thing I’ve learned is, not only when things do not fit they are uncomfortable, but they look a hot ass mess!

Essentially, I would shop over time while keeping these items in my mind and crossing them off the list as they were purchased.

Today, the weather was just right. Ahhh fall! I left the house in my new favorite pair of size 16 distressed jeans, a white tee and a denim button-up wrapped around my waist. I had to run a few errands and I thought I looked kinda cute. I found myself tugging on my shirt a bit more than I would have liked to, that is a red flag.

On the way to see my therapist this morning, the chill in the air was refreshing but a tad nippy. My therapist’s office is located close to a mini shopping strip on the Upper West Side. There s a Marshall’s in walking distance.

This meeting I had with her today was interesting to say the least. We have mentioned if and how I wanted to continue having sessions, since it’s been about 6 months. Long story short, ( which evidently will have to be discussed in a different post) I made clear that there have been positive changes since I started therapy and still wanted to lose weight. She replied “you’re not going to unless you change your relationship with food.” I was dumbfounded. Not in a bad way, more of a ‘yeah I guess you’re right’ kind of way. The session was over (what a nice bomb to drop on my recovery journey! lol ). I said my goodbyes and approached the strip. I decided to look for a shirt to change into at Marshall’s.

I grabbed a bunch of button-down shirts. Flannel, striped, larges and extra-larges. I wanted something a little baggy and less form-fitting. I tried a few shirts on and one in particular I chose to look at in the bigger hallway mirror. A blue and white thin striped shirt with a sash long enough to tie into a bow in the front, size XL. I have a pretty flat stomach, even with the gained weight. I thought the shirt was cute but the way the sash was sitting made me get a second opinion. I asked the older lady working the dressing room what she thought. She said she liked it. I asked if it made me look pregnant and she said “no, your tummy is flat”. I smiled thanked her and wore it out the store.

Naaaah Yo! THIS DAMN SHIRT HAS GOT TO GO! I don’t care what that lady said! I’ve tied the sash it in the front, the side, the back and I still look freaking pregnant! I’m really self-conscious about it. Ok so I’ve gained like 35lbs, but daaaayum. All I need is for someone to ask me if I want a seat on the train and I’m going home topless!

Anyway, the point is — wow, is this what it has come to? I’m picking up shirts to hide my “food baby”??? Lawwwd take the wheel.

Thanks for reading! Lol

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Love? 

I’m going into be honest with you… I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

At first I probably thought it was a given. You know like you’re born and your parents love you. They ohhh and ahhh at everything you do. There are hugs and kisses and gifts and smiles and happiness. And the words.. “I love you “. That’s love right ? Your whole family.. well maybe half of the family expresses love with affection and kind words, where the other half expresses love in gifts and quality time .. perhaps somewhere in the middle. Or at least I think that’s what happened. 

As time goes on, people enter and exit your life. Friends, neighbors, classmates, teachers, relatives, lovers, strangers.. and somewhere in those interactions you realize that what you thought was love, wasn’t really love. 

Your mom can’t say the words but show it. Your dad shouts it from the roof top but there is no action. Your brother kinda just floats somewhere in the middle. You, your friends and family may do and say hurtful things and still stick around or disappear into the past. Confused? Me too. 

Ok so maybe society is right.. maybe love is sex; intimacy. That one on one private time. It’s special. It’s sacred. Until you get come out of the bathroom and he’s gone. Ok.. maybe let me try again with someone else. A handful of late night phone calls, I miss you’s, I only like you as a friend, what’s good for tonight, who’s your friend?, some condoms, some trust, maybe even a few “I love you’s”… and still no love. 

Am I too tall? Ok I’ll hang out with girls my height. Am I mean? Ok I’ll smile more. Do I talk too much? Ok I’ll be quiet.  Am I not generous? Ok I’ll buy that for you. Am I too fat? Ok I’ll lose weight. Am I a prude? Ok let’s bone. Am I boring? Ok I’ll take up a few hobbies. Am I ugly? I’ll get some makeup. Am I stupid? Ok I’ll go to an Ivy League. Am I too easy? Ok I’ll be celibate. 

What is it? Why don’t you love me? What do I need to do to get you to love me? How many time must I be fooled by false love? How many more times will I question my worth? How many more time will I fear the words? How many more time will I give up my body just to feel closeness?How many more nights will I go sleepless? How many more times will I cry to God that he stop playing with my heart? How many more times will I mistake love for loneliness? How many more times will I fill this emptiness with hopelessness?

To tell you the truth, I’m not sure I love myself at this point. Maybe I do, but then again I have no idea what REAL love is , looks like or sounds like. 

-Candace 

Still in a rut !!

Ok so .. Monday, I went to the gym for the first time in .. mmm.. maybe 2 months. 

Yeah it was in August when I last worked out; I took an aquafit class while in D.C. It was like yoga, but in a pool! Yasss!!  (#OAC2016 taught me some new tricks 🙂 

 In my opionion, I still look fly (takes kissy selfie lol) ..umm but I’m up 17lbs since this time last year tho. DAMN!                (My ass got fat, literally! )

Yes, a lot has changed in the past year. I don’t want to go into too many details but, the point is .. 

me + fitting my clothes from last year= fail. 

FML. I need to get it together! 

Stay tuned…

-Candace 

Daughter Diaries

He gave me physical life and raised me wth love and distance. 
Enstilling in me the idea of presence yet teaching me to survive without it. 

Killing off expectations and preparing me to wonder. 

Just enough time to forget only to remember. 

Supporting my dreams with lackluster cutiousity and an ear to listen. 

The superficial void is bandaided with consistently inconsistent speech. 

He has given me passion and an undeniable yearn for connection. 

Knowledge and independence come with a price. Costing resentment and envy. 

Accepting because it’s familiar and hoping for it to change.

The hole in my heart is overflowing with names of those who try to value me the same. 

Inspired to consider love as a game. 

Yet life without him would be like lighting a candle with no wick. Rain that wouldn’t  produce any flowers. Playing a love song on mute. 

Dad and me. 

-Candace 

God, please save me from myself!

When you aren’t having any luck controlling what you think is controllable..and are focused on all that you CAN’T do..
The one thing you CAN do.. 

You can do it for free 

You can do it alone 

You can do it at any time of the day You can do it where ever you are 

You can do it for any reason or no reason at all..

Is PRAY. 
Talk to your God, tell him why your happy. Tell him why your sad. 
He CAN control it. He WILL control it. He DOES control it. 
None of this was designed by accident or to be done alone. 
#GiveItToGod #ItsHisAnyway

-Candace 

Gone..

Mom said I’m “shedding”. Growing out of my skin. 

I’m looking around and everything that was familiar, no longer holds the same shape or serves the same purpose. I’m so angry and frustrated about the pile of dead skin that lay before me! 

So many questions. When did this happen? Why is this happening? How did this happen? What can I do to stop the growth?! 

The answer is… 

Exactly. The answer is everything I do and I do not want to hear. The answer stares back at me — like a reflection in a dirty mirror.  

Yeah, yeah. Change is necessary and inevitable. 

The skin was itchy, and pale. It cracked with every smile, it softened with every tear. The skin used to be taut and vibrant. It moved with my every step and blended well with the elements. 

One would think that the new skin would automatically feel better, but it feels like a foreign object that’s laying on top of me that I am forced to accept. 

Yearning for that old thing back. Yes, that old thing that was me. 

It’s just about gone now. 

My scent is to unite with this fresh skin. Stretching so that it fits from head to toe and glides around every curve. Tested to endure the most critical of circumstances. Casting a shadow of newness. 

Resisting the transition has been painful. I should just roll around against the ground and help the rest detach. Trusting that nature will renew my strength, adjusting to the mold of the new me with cooperation and dignity. 

-Candace 

Lifting my head..to say I’m sorry. 

I feel pretty disconnected. Like someone cut the telephone wire or the bill wasn’t paid. I’m steady talking into the muted phone as if what I’m doing is really making any sense. 

I did something I shouldn’t have done and feel so ashamed. I shy away because I don’t  want to face up to the wrath of disobedience. My head hangs low, my eyes closed tight. 

I thought I was making progress only to fall three steps back. Now I’m scared to leave myself vulnerable for that kind of disappointment. 

The punishment is shame. 

Today at service Pastor said: 

Don’t think because you have sinned your relationship can’t be saved. Regardless of what you’ve done , in spite of yourself.. God Loves you. Confess your sins, say you’re sorry — you will be forgiven. 

 A prayer from the heart that is honest and most vulnerable. There is no judgement but a hope of dialogue. 

It’s time to confess and welcome the warmth of forgiveness. To mend what has been broken. To step into the light away from the shadow. To receive a hug only The Father can give. For my tears to be wiped away leaving only streaks of faith. 

Confessing takes bravery. Forgiveness renews strength.