Matthew 11:28 ESV

Some context.. I have been upset on and off about the weight I’ve put on. I purchased a few new it run this week because the blazer I wanted to wear was too tight. Last night I posted a general msg on Facebook about wanting God to turn my struggle into strength. This morning I attempted to put on a coat and it also was too tight.

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My friend came across this scripture in her devotional and texted it to me while I slept.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”

Below is my response:

Thank you for sending this. It makes sense. I just feel like aren’t I supposed to be doing my part so God can bless it? Waiting isn’t effective.

You know how I feel about my weight. I’m having such a hard time. Going to the group yesterday was cool and when I hear people ( especially WLS patients ) talk about people they know that “blew up” or “gained twice as much”‘or “are bigger than when they started” my heart sinks. I am torn up. Not only for them but It’s the most horrible feeling to recognize myself on track with these stories.

I feel like I’m stuck. Between my past ( where I’ve come from — the good and bad ) and my future ( where I could end up ) . Technically I would be in the present right? My present makes me feel like a failure of my past … at least when it comes to my weight gain. I’m so angry and sad. I try to smile through it because I want to accept myself, but I’m not happy like this. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I dont know where to place the blame. I’m scared and embarrassed. And those feelings perpetuate and give strength to my despair.

I don’t know how to fight it or if I even should. Every time I put something on that no longer fits– it’s a punch to the gut. My huge growing gut! Audrey asked .. “doesn’t that motivate you ? ” I wish it did. — I wish I had identified a “why?” Back then, that wasn’t so easily broken. That I could bottle up and drop a dab on my tongue whenever I was loosing motivation.

I literally am terrified to commit. Contemplating all that i would have to sacrifice and all the “willpower” and all the failures and set backs that I would need to endure. Questioning WHY I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS???? I read this post yesterday from this guy who was acknowledging his transformation. He started out at 380 had surgery went down to 230 and regained up to 550! He is now at 185 and gives God all the Glory and says it was a spiritual journey.

God did this. He created all of this. I’m thankful and pissed. I realized the other day by the water.. that I didn’t know God when I had the surgery. He was not acknowledged. From my perspective ..He had nothing to do with it. I did t even know what a blessing was. In retrospect.. I took it all for granted. It was such a fleshy experience. So…! This is where I am. I want to OVERCOME this craziness!

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I guess I’m posting this for awareness and possibly / hopefully testimonial purposes.

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No mac-n-cheese in Heaven?

“There’s no Mac-n-cheese in Heaven” my cousin says. My reply, “LMAO! I don’t know what your heaven looks like but mine definitely has mac-n-cheese!” 
I don’t really have to add that mac n cheese is the truth, but in case you didn’t know.. well now you do!
Saturday night I walk in the diningroom at my grandmothers house and am greeted by my family. We were having a Thanksgiving dinner re-do. Thanksgiving is the best holiday. All the best dishes are prepared. Mac n cheese, sweet potatoes, turkey, ham, collard greens, cranberry sauce, etc
The first comment: “you’re not going to eat?” I literally had just walked in the room. But ensured Lisa , that I was going to eat. I sat down and began to make myself a plate. I took a few spoonfuls of each dish. I was sitting next to Ashely and sitting across from us, my aunt said : Ashely what are you eating? She had a roll in her hand. I had just taken one. My aunt said: “you need to put that roll down and so does candy and she needs to remove that macaroni off her plate too, we saw your Facebook post! ” 
My immediate response was “I’m grown, don’t check me! ” my next comment was an attempt to fight back from that blow. I attempted to explain my post. I had gotten a few different reactions from people liking my status, to people commenting on separate posts– speaking to what I had just put out there, to people texting me directly to express their relateabilty. 
The situation is bitter sweet. Ok so the post… ( some context first , I’ve been battling with my weight re-gain for a some time now, a little over a year and this particular day I made an appointment with Dr. Silva to be weighed. I knew what the scale would read. I was far from delusional. My clothes don’t fit, my face is chunckier, pictures have exposed the unwanted trend. The surgeons scale has always been the official weigh in for me. I was ready to face the music. A couple weeks ago my eleven year old cousin was very frank about the weight gain. She said I looked a little fat in a picture she saw of me. That was enough right there! I wanted to bury my head in the ground. Yet, I thanked her for the rude, yet compassionate kick in the gut. Ok so moving on.. after I left the surgeons office, a wave of truth and disappointment came over me. I had another doctor’s appointment directly following so processing my weigh-in came later. 
I didn’t even realize my reaction, but when I left Ny & Co with two pairs of jeans for $80.00, I should have know something was up. Later that night, I posted this on Facebook: 
3.5 years ago I was the most fit and healthy I have ever been. Today… I got weighed by my surgeon and found out I gained 24 lbs since my last weigh-in 17 months ago… Funny thing is ( ok not “funny”) that this is my reality. That the disease, obesity is alive and well. That I will have to live with all its symptoms, side effects, gifts (the awareness) and BS forever. As much as it hurts to feel defeated, it hurts so much more to just give up and let the pain accumulate. Truthfully, I don’t know what any of this means for me and my future. What I do know is, life has to continue. There will be good days and some really bad ones. The struggle is so real and because I know I’m not alone– I want make sure others know they aren’t alone either. #whatTodaywaslike#notThegreatest #Usedtobe347pounds#cheers #thankful #staytrue#fightwithmoxey
Oh ok and then right after that, I posted: Oh and .. I put my personal business out there .. Not for pity or judgment but for awareness and education. #thisismyreallife
 I’m not really sure what it bought up for other people but for me, bringing awareness to the issues I am and have been facing. Those on Facebook have seriously cheered me on since I started this weight loss journey. In Social Work school we learned about “vicarious trauma” or “secondary trauma”or even sometimes called “compassion fatigue.” This is basically when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experience of someone else. Think about when you watch a video on Facebook or YouTube of a police shooting. Even though it didn’t happen to you, witnessing it “indirectly” actually has an effect on you. With that being said, the various reactions confirmed this for me. 
Anyway, I thought this was interesting to share in the grand scheme of things. It’s part of the journey. It’s even more apparent how this journey isn’t mine alone. My life’s purpose is to enlighten others about Obesity as a disease and to encourage the personal fight within. Inspire those to trust their God-given and renewable strength to keep going.  
Just so you know, I definitely did NOT remove the mac-n-cheese from my plate. I ate it, along with everything else I had going on and even took home a plate. Don’t judge me! lol well you can if you want. 
Oh and I know there will be mac-n-cheese in heaven! Anything else would be uncivilized!! 
– Candace 

#FightWithMoxey

HEYYYYY Everyone! OMG This is sooo huge for me (and you!) I’m ready to take my passion for the fight against Obesity on the road and I hope you’ll fight with me 🙂

Please check out my campaign (here–>) FightWithMoxey and share, share and SHARE! Thank you for always supporting me! #FightWithMoxey

Xoxo – Miss Moxey