Matthew 11:28 ESV

Some context.. I have been upset on and off about the weight I’ve put on. I purchased a few new it run this week because the blazer I wanted to wear was too tight. Last night I posted a general msg on Facebook about wanting God to turn my struggle into strength. This morning I attempted to put on a coat and it also was too tight.

———-

My friend came across this scripture in her devotional and texted it to me while I slept.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”

Below is my response:

Thank you for sending this. It makes sense. I just feel like aren’t I supposed to be doing my part so God can bless it? Waiting isn’t effective.

You know how I feel about my weight. I’m having such a hard time. Going to the group yesterday was cool and when I hear people ( especially WLS patients ) talk about people they know that “blew up” or “gained twice as much”‘or “are bigger than when they started” my heart sinks. I am torn up. Not only for them but It’s the most horrible feeling to recognize myself on track with these stories.

I feel like I’m stuck. Between my past ( where I’ve come from — the good and bad ) and my future ( where I could end up ) . Technically I would be in the present right? My present makes me feel like a failure of my past … at least when it comes to my weight gain. I’m so angry and sad. I try to smile through it because I want to accept myself, but I’m not happy like this. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I dont know where to place the blame. I’m scared and embarrassed. And those feelings perpetuate and give strength to my despair.

I don’t know how to fight it or if I even should. Every time I put something on that no longer fits– it’s a punch to the gut. My huge growing gut! Audrey asked .. “doesn’t that motivate you ? ” I wish it did. — I wish I had identified a “why?” Back then, that wasn’t so easily broken. That I could bottle up and drop a dab on my tongue whenever I was loosing motivation.

I literally am terrified to commit. Contemplating all that i would have to sacrifice and all the “willpower” and all the failures and set backs that I would need to endure. Questioning WHY I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS???? I read this post yesterday from this guy who was acknowledging his transformation. He started out at 380 had surgery went down to 230 and regained up to 550! He is now at 185 and gives God all the Glory and says it was a spiritual journey.

God did this. He created all of this. I’m thankful and pissed. I realized the other day by the water.. that I didn’t know God when I had the surgery. He was not acknowledged. From my perspective ..He had nothing to do with it. I did t even know what a blessing was. In retrospect.. I took it all for granted. It was such a fleshy experience. So…! This is where I am. I want to OVERCOME this craziness!

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I guess I’m posting this for awareness and possibly / hopefully testimonial purposes.

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Daughter Diaries

He gave me physical life and raised me wth love and distance. 
Enstilling in me the idea of presence yet teaching me to survive without it. 

Killing off expectations and preparing me to wonder. 

Just enough time to forget only to remember. 

Supporting my dreams with lackluster cutiousity and an ear to listen. 

The superficial void is bandaided with consistently inconsistent speech. 

He has given me passion and an undeniable yearn for connection. 

Knowledge and independence come with a price. Costing resentment and envy. 

Accepting because it’s familiar and hoping for it to change.

The hole in my heart is overflowing with names of those who try to value me the same. 

Inspired to consider love as a game. 

Yet life without him would be like lighting a candle with no wick. Rain that wouldn’t  produce any flowers. Playing a love song on mute. 

Dad and me. 

-Candace 

Dear Love,

Where are you?

I’m waiting for you.

I’ve been dreaming about you for so long love.  A silhouette of a thought. A prayer from my soul.

I can’t hear you. I can see you. I can’t smell you.

I’m calling out to you love but you aren’t responding.

Do you not like how I sound, look or smell? Do I push you away when you come near?

Are you afraid? Am I afraid?

You’re too busy. There are other things more important than my arms wrapped around you love, telling you that I love you, love. I’m too busy.

What I feel is emptiness. Like my heart is on autopilot craving to skip a beat.

The space in my heart that belongs to you love, is plugged with the love from God.

He’s really protective it seems. He won’t give up his space to have it replaced.

He must find you worthy. He must find me worthy.

I guess I’m not ready and yes, it’s painful to prepare.

But I’m keeping the faith and Im working on it love and know you are too.

Soon love.

-Candace

Choices. 

  
Two scoops. Strawberry Cheescake and Pralines and Cream. 

Two scoops. Because they both taste really good. 
Two scoops. Because one isn’t enough. 
Two scoops. Because I don’t know which one will make me feel better. 
Two scoops. Because I don’t know the answer to my problem. 
Two scoops. Because the fight is getting harder. 
Two scoops. Because the path is becoming clearer. 
Two scoops. Because I’m scared. 
Two scoops. Because I’m happy. 
Two scoops. Because I’m angry. 
Two scoops. Because I’m proud. 
-Candace 

Wine-Stained. 

  
Hidden in a random pile of sweaters. I see a pair of jeans that look my size. I’ll try him on for fun. Besides, I could use a pair of jeans. 
He fit me so well!

So well that my curves are curvier, my legs are leaner, my butt is so round and plump. 
I feel beautiful, sexy and smart.  He needs my body to come alive! 

Of course, I’m buying him. 

He hangs in the front of my closet. I wear him all the time. Grocery shopping, out with the girls, with a blazer to work. I even thought about wearing him to a wedding once. He’s easily my favorite pair of jeans.

He fits me so well!

Now there’s a small, red wine stain on the left thigh– from that crazy night at dinner. One of the belt loops are broken. The blue is faded. They’ve stretched out a bit. Just adds a little character right?

They don’t make me feel beautiful, sexy or smart. But I’m not getting rid of them.  

They used to fit me so well. 

I remember those nights at dinner with the girls, I remember strutting down the cereal aisle, I remember dress down Friday’s in the office. 

Ahh they used to fit me so well. 

Now they are in the back of my closet. Utilizing a hanger. Taking up space. Hanging there as a memory. I haven’t worn them in years. 

Why do I still have them? He doesn’t fit me anymore. 

No love lost. So many memories. But it’s time to make some room. 

I loved you and have to let you go.  

~ MissMoxey

The Day After..

He said:

“If there is a god how could he be some cruel to me. Why give me something so right an take it ? Why bring light to my dark world to only turn it off ??? Sad part is no one has answers. They just say God knows. If he knew how could he hurt someone like this. Pain like this is what can drive people to hurt other people or themselves. What’s the plan in that ??? But I guess the answer is only he knows right. I have to find away to hide my pain so others don’t have to worry about me. I have to carry this forever. I know have to learn to look for her within the universe. I have to find her wavelength in the wind. Her warmth her touch an her love. This is torture at its finest. But I guess all anyone can say is be strong time heels all. They say that because that’s all they know. That’s what they have been thought to say an they never had to deal with a pain like this. ”

-bcg

The heaviness of a heart