The Box Assignment

I wanted to bring this box..

It’s measurements are 16x14x7. Empty, solid and already decorated.

On the outside there are large, watercolor- painted flowers; mostly in pink and purple. I love flowers!

The petals are shades of blue and green. A deep teal color floods the background.

There’s a flap with a magnetic closure that snaps the box shut. The flap is covered in gold foiled polka dots. Gold is my favorite accent!

A perfect representation; powerful in size, simple, yet bold. Home-goods was spot on!

My mom gave me the box, unbeknownst to her what my intentions were.

Now, what to fill it with? The inside of this box is already lined with a paper that is light pink with a brush pattern.

Ok. Let’s dig through this pile of life. I’ve got some bubble wrap, a few post-it notes, a bible, maybe a mirror?

Yikes.. there goes that bottle of tears, I can throw in half of a heart, shards of glass, unkind words, reminisce of a sandwich, a couple of diplomas, some likes on IG, empty relationships, busted hopes, deferred dreams, memories.. yeah… those memories.

The ones with the white house, yard space, barking dog, barbeques and family ties.

That took up a lot of space. I don’t know if there is room for anything else.

But these should fit too. I have photographs of smiles, scented candles, passport stamps from adventures, birthday cards, hugs and kisses, heavy duty tape, non-scale victories, a voice with passion, Starbucks gift cards, doodles from Olivia, a desire to empower, group text messages, a shot glass, a journal of wishes, nail polish, family-dynamics, more bubble wrap, yes.. more bubble wrap and the other half of a heart.

I wanted to bring this box..

It’s a 16x14x7. Empty, solid and an already decorated box. A perfect representation; powerful in size, simple, yet bold.

It was just too heavy to carry.

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Skinned knees and shit

It doesn’t matter how good it sounds. How logical it seems. “In the long run it makes sense”. Walking away is and has never been easy.

Have you ever ran and tripped ( maybe as a kid) and skinned your knee? It’s red and bleeding and the skin has clearly been scrapped off. It hurts to walk. The tears are from shock. The pain hasn’t even really set in yet. You’re just reliving the trauma. How did that happen?! Oh yeah. I remember now. :: Cringe :: stupid! stupid! Stupid!

I’m never doing that again.

Now it’s time for the soap and water or peroxide (my mom is in nursing). You have to clean it or you’re loosing your leg! It’s not alcohol thank God! but we all know it’s gonna sting one way or another.

The pouring of the peroxide feels cool and painless… then it begins… the sting and simultaneous foaming. ( Fuuuck! That stings! ) ok but it’s working right?!

Ok I did my part. I handled it… like Olivia Pope.

Anddddd… the healing process begins. The ointment, the bandaids, the soreness, the limping, the discoloration, the accidental bang ( fuck that hurt! ) the itching, the scabbing.

Ok. The pain went away. The skin is growing back– you can see the pigment… Finally. Healing.

Pretty much back to normal.. but the scar remains. Reminding you to.. idk… slow the hell down, stop texting and walking, 3 shots of tequila is enough, the railing is there for a reason, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!

( more than likely, we do it again.. smh )

We’ve all been there. We all know that we will heal.. but the process is rough. I’m just saying.

-Candace

Local love.

It’s simply not fair.

There’s nothing you can do to make someone fall for you. Choose you, see you, want you, need you.

I’m sad and hurt and confused, feel used.

Why ask to lend you my heart if you knew it was only temporary from the start?

It’s simply not fair.

because I gave it to you .. to nurture and keep safe despite the hesitation.

You may have felt a tingle but not enough to cease the mingle.

Honest but intentional to keep me around for your entertainment, for your lonely nights, for your local love.

It’s simply not fair.

After candles and flower petals, love making to soft sounds

its over and it hurts

Im tired of the butterflies of hope only fluttering around but not landing.

I thought with you, this time, it wouldn’t be a tease

I keep wondering why God only allows me a sip and not drink of everlasting love.

It’s simply not fair.

Now I have to put my game face on, as though my insides don’t feel raw and sting with every breath.

Now I have to push through this pain that I so hoped to avoid.

Now I have to focus on everything that isn’t you.. even if you made the most mundane things tolerable.

Now I have to sleep alone again. Now I have to cry again. Now I have to figure it out again.

Now I will have to trust again.

Its simply not fair.

-Candace

Matthew 11:28 ESV

Some context.. I have been upset on and off about the weight I’ve put on. I purchased a few new it run this week because the blazer I wanted to wear was too tight. Last night I posted a general msg on Facebook about wanting God to turn my struggle into strength. This morning I attempted to put on a coat and it also was too tight.

———-

My friend came across this scripture in her devotional and texted it to me while I slept.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”

Below is my response:

Thank you for sending this. It makes sense. I just feel like aren’t I supposed to be doing my part so God can bless it? Waiting isn’t effective.

You know how I feel about my weight. I’m having such a hard time. Going to the group yesterday was cool and when I hear people ( especially WLS patients ) talk about people they know that “blew up” or “gained twice as much”‘or “are bigger than when they started” my heart sinks. I am torn up. Not only for them but It’s the most horrible feeling to recognize myself on track with these stories.

I feel like I’m stuck. Between my past ( where I’ve come from — the good and bad ) and my future ( where I could end up ) . Technically I would be in the present right? My present makes me feel like a failure of my past … at least when it comes to my weight gain. I’m so angry and sad. I try to smile through it because I want to accept myself, but I’m not happy like this. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I dont know where to place the blame. I’m scared and embarrassed. And those feelings perpetuate and give strength to my despair.

I don’t know how to fight it or if I even should. Every time I put something on that no longer fits– it’s a punch to the gut. My huge growing gut! Audrey asked .. “doesn’t that motivate you ? ” I wish it did. — I wish I had identified a “why?” Back then, that wasn’t so easily broken. That I could bottle up and drop a dab on my tongue whenever I was loosing motivation.

I literally am terrified to commit. Contemplating all that i would have to sacrifice and all the “willpower” and all the failures and set backs that I would need to endure. Questioning WHY I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS???? I read this post yesterday from this guy who was acknowledging his transformation. He started out at 380 had surgery went down to 230 and regained up to 550! He is now at 185 and gives God all the Glory and says it was a spiritual journey.

God did this. He created all of this. I’m thankful and pissed. I realized the other day by the water.. that I didn’t know God when I had the surgery. He was not acknowledged. From my perspective ..He had nothing to do with it. I did t even know what a blessing was. In retrospect.. I took it all for granted. It was such a fleshy experience. So…! This is where I am. I want to OVERCOME this craziness!

——–

I guess I’m posting this for awareness and possibly / hopefully testimonial purposes.

Daughter Diaries

He gave me physical life and raised me wth love and distance. 
Enstilling in me the idea of presence yet teaching me to survive without it. 

Killing off expectations and preparing me to wonder. 

Just enough time to forget only to remember. 

Supporting my dreams with lackluster cutiousity and an ear to listen. 

The superficial void is bandaided with consistently inconsistent speech. 

He has given me passion and an undeniable yearn for connection. 

Knowledge and independence come with a price. Costing resentment and envy. 

Accepting because it’s familiar and hoping for it to change.

The hole in my heart is overflowing with names of those who try to value me the same. 

Inspired to consider love as a game. 

Yet life without him would be like lighting a candle with no wick. Rain that wouldn’t  produce any flowers. Playing a love song on mute. 

Dad and me. 

-Candace 

Side-eye pt 2

Hmm

You know.. I’m in a place in my life where, not only am taking note of the BullShit during this dating thing but what’s super annoying is when I still fall for it!! I want to be open and experience men for who they choose to be, not who their past dictates. I want to wait for that special guy. I want to wait in every way, because I and all that I have to offer is precious and worth it. He is also and will give me all that I have ever needed.

Remember dude in my last post Side-eye ? ..

So for about a week and some change after we exchanged numbers (for the second time), he begins to actively seek me out and I mean from 0 to 100. Mind you, I never looked his way. I didn’t even know he existed let alone viewed him with pending interest prior. However, Ive been open to connecting with people. With that being said .. it’s been a while since someone showed interest in me the way he did.We talked on the phone, we texted and saw each other a bunch during this time period. It helped that we literally live 5 mins from each other. It was to the point that I didn’t want to let him know how much I was enjoying this.

I briefly explained that I am in the market for something serious. That I am looking for someone that understands that I have goals and taking action to them. That I would like support not a distraction. That I would like people around me that are also taking action in their lives and we will motivate each other. I am waiting for someone who wants to be in a relationship.

He put a lot of his story out there front and center. His relationship with his daughter’s mother, his challenges, he mentioned giving up his body for lent. His thoughts about relationships for him at this point.We spoke about his triumphs, talked about his family, our mutual connections, we went out to eat, talked about future career plans, grocery shopping, we went on a few road trips too and laughed. All of this happened in about 2 weeks time. Oh and don’t let me forget about his..options (yes, I said options!).

Considering I made it pretty clear that I had no previous intentions and we were getting to know each other, the multiple phone calls he would receive (that would pop up on the car’s dash) didn’t really bother me. He wanted to spend time with me — I was enjoying it. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I noticed, but because he already was honest about his dealings and me having my own space with this…I just rolled with it.

After spending some more time together and enjoying each others company, the attraction on my end was growing. I took notice of but refused to give in. We spoke about me not wanting to get close (he said I had a wall up you’re damn right I did!) I physically was trying to keep my distance in order to keep this light, so we could get to know each other without the distractions. No hand holding, no kissing, NO sex. (He’s pretty affectionate and I giggled because I liked it but wouldn’t do it in return).

There were a few times he mentioned us just hanging out at this house. He tried all sorts of ways, including offering to cook, being comfortable, watching movies, giving me the cold shoulder, pouting and even making me feel a tad guilty…Don’t care, not doing it.

Fast forward… there was a little bit of a shift. We did kiss… a few times.It was nice, really nice. In my head im like..

Ohhh no Candace– stop now.Whew!

Ok so.. this particular incident after grocery shopping he asked me to help him bring his stuff in. In my head im like oh here we go… hes trying to get me in the house. After some convincing I said okay. He kept his word, we unpacked his groceries– he showed me around and we left. Definitely should have just stayed my ass in the car. Nothing happened that night except it opened up this level of comfort..that’s when everything changed. He transformed into every thing he said he wasn’t.

And… We’re Back to the side-eye.

-Candace