Thoughts while I’m waiting .. 

God’s definition of your husband is that man who helps you become the best version of yourself and wants you to help him do the same. -The Wait, Devon Franklin and Meagan Good

Me:  How comforting. Who doesnt want such a partner? I do. 

Me: God provides love, purpose, connection and joy. He has surely blessed my husband with these attributes.

Me: What about when you want it to be something to so bad, that you may even start to force it into the mold?

Me: How can you tell when it’s real?

Me: Quoting.. “Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself:” Ephesians 5:28

Me: Does that now make it real? 

Me: What about when you feel so alone, that this vow now seems stupid.

Me:  I can feel myself getting angry waiting on a text or a call from someone who said I was their main focus? Contemplating going back through a door that I left cracked just incase of lonely nights, that the wind just swung wide open and is whispering my name.  

Me: There was this man on the train the other day.. Probably in his mid to late 60s. He was being extra and was mumbling ( angrily ) about being single for the past 5 years lol. I thought to myself .. I absolutely get it sir!

Me: In all honesty, I do believe that my best friend is out there. That God is preparing me to meet him. I will know it’s real when I can talk to him about my prayers, laugh with him, cry with him, flirt with him, learn with him and love with him. 

Me: He will propose marriage to me. 

Me: Always hoping that the next guy, is the last guy. 

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God, please save me from myself!

When you aren’t having any luck controlling what you think is controllable..and are focused on all that you CAN’T do..
The one thing you CAN do.. 

You can do it for free 

You can do it alone 

You can do it at any time of the day You can do it where ever you are 

You can do it for any reason or no reason at all..

Is PRAY. 
Talk to your God, tell him why your happy. Tell him why your sad. 
He CAN control it. He WILL control it. He DOES control it. 
None of this was designed by accident or to be done alone. 
#GiveItToGod #ItsHisAnyway

-Candace 

Gone..

Mom said I’m “shedding”. Growing out of my skin. 

I’m looking around and everything that was familiar, no longer holds the same shape or serves the same purpose. I’m so angry and frustrated about the pile of dead skin that lay before me! 

So many questions. When did this happen? Why is this happening? How did this happen? What can I do to stop the growth?! 

The answer is… 

Exactly. The answer is everything I do and I do not want to hear. The answer stares back at me — like a reflection in a dirty mirror.  

Yeah, yeah. Change is necessary and inevitable. 

The skin was itchy, and pale. It cracked with every smile, it softened with every tear. The skin used to be taut and vibrant. It moved with my every step and blended well with the elements. 

One would think that the new skin would automatically feel better, but it feels like a foreign object that’s laying on top of me that I am forced to accept. 

Yearning for that old thing back. Yes, that old thing that was me. 

It’s just about gone now. 

My scent is to unite with this fresh skin. Stretching so that it fits from head to toe and glides around every curve. Tested to endure the most critical of circumstances. Casting a shadow of newness. 

Resisting the transition has been painful. I should just roll around against the ground and help the rest detach. Trusting that nature will renew my strength, adjusting to the mold of the new me with cooperation and dignity. 

-Candace 

Lifting my head..to say I’m sorry. 

I feel pretty disconnected. Like someone cut the telephone wire or the bill wasn’t paid. I’m steady talking into the muted phone as if what I’m doing is really making any sense. 

I did something I shouldn’t have done and feel so ashamed. I shy away because I don’t  want to face up to the wrath of disobedience. My head hangs low, my eyes closed tight. 

I thought I was making progress only to fall three steps back. Now I’m scared to leave myself vulnerable for that kind of disappointment. 

The punishment is shame. 

Today at service Pastor said: 

Don’t think because you have sinned your relationship can’t be saved. Regardless of what you’ve done , in spite of yourself.. God Loves you. Confess your sins, say you’re sorry — you will be forgiven. 

 A prayer from the heart that is honest and most vulnerable. There is no judgement but a hope of dialogue. 

It’s time to confess and welcome the warmth of forgiveness. To mend what has been broken. To step into the light away from the shadow. To receive a hug only The Father can give. For my tears to be wiped away leaving only streaks of faith. 

Confessing takes bravery. Forgiveness renews strength. 

Dear Love,

Where are you?

I’m waiting for you.

I’ve been dreaming about you for so long love.  A silhouette of a thought. A prayer from my soul.

I can’t hear you. I can see you. I can’t smell you.

I’m calling out to you love but you aren’t responding.

Do you not like how I sound, look or smell? Do I push you away when you come near?

Are you afraid? Am I afraid?

You’re too busy. There are other things more important than my arms wrapped around you love, telling you that I love you, love. I’m too busy.

What I feel is emptiness. Like my heart is on autopilot craving to skip a beat.

The space in my heart that belongs to you love, is plugged with the love from God.

He’s really protective it seems. He won’t give up his space to have it replaced.

He must find you worthy. He must find me worthy.

I guess I’m not ready and yes, it’s painful to prepare.

But I’m keeping the faith and Im working on it love and know you are too.

Soon love.

-Candace

Side-eye pt 2

Hmm

You know.. I’m in a place in my life where, not only am taking note of the BullShit during this dating thing but what’s super annoying is when I still fall for it!! I want to be open and experience men for who they choose to be, not who their past dictates. I want to wait for that special guy. I want to wait in every way, because I and all that I have to offer is precious and worth it. He is also and will give me all that I have ever needed.

Remember dude in my last post Side-eye ? ..

So for about a week and some change after we exchanged numbers (for the second time), he begins to actively seek me out and I mean from 0 to 100. Mind you, I never looked his way. I didn’t even know he existed let alone viewed him with pending interest prior. However, Ive been open to connecting with people. With that being said .. it’s been a while since someone showed interest in me the way he did.We talked on the phone, we texted and saw each other a bunch during this time period. It helped that we literally live 5 mins from each other. It was to the point that I didn’t want to let him know how much I was enjoying this.

I briefly explained that I am in the market for something serious. That I am looking for someone that understands that I have goals and taking action to them. That I would like support not a distraction. That I would like people around me that are also taking action in their lives and we will motivate each other. I am waiting for someone who wants to be in a relationship.

He put a lot of his story out there front and center. His relationship with his daughter’s mother, his challenges, he mentioned giving up his body for lent. His thoughts about relationships for him at this point.We spoke about his triumphs, talked about his family, our mutual connections, we went out to eat, talked about future career plans, grocery shopping, we went on a few road trips too and laughed. All of this happened in about 2 weeks time. Oh and don’t let me forget about his..options (yes, I said options!).

Considering I made it pretty clear that I had no previous intentions and we were getting to know each other, the multiple phone calls he would receive (that would pop up on the car’s dash) didn’t really bother me. He wanted to spend time with me — I was enjoying it. Now don’t get me wrong, of course I noticed, but because he already was honest about his dealings and me having my own space with this…I just rolled with it.

After spending some more time together and enjoying each others company, the attraction on my end was growing. I took notice of but refused to give in. We spoke about me not wanting to get close (he said I had a wall up you’re damn right I did!) I physically was trying to keep my distance in order to keep this light, so we could get to know each other without the distractions. No hand holding, no kissing, NO sex. (He’s pretty affectionate and I giggled because I liked it but wouldn’t do it in return).

There were a few times he mentioned us just hanging out at this house. He tried all sorts of ways, including offering to cook, being comfortable, watching movies, giving me the cold shoulder, pouting and even making me feel a tad guilty…Don’t care, not doing it.

Fast forward… there was a little bit of a shift. We did kiss… a few times.It was nice, really nice. In my head im like..

Ohhh no Candace– stop now.Whew!

Ok so.. this particular incident after grocery shopping he asked me to help him bring his stuff in. In my head im like oh here we go… hes trying to get me in the house. After some convincing I said okay. He kept his word, we unpacked his groceries– he showed me around and we left. Definitely should have just stayed my ass in the car. Nothing happened that night except it opened up this level of comfort..that’s when everything changed. He transformed into every thing he said he wasn’t.

And… We’re Back to the side-eye.

-Candace