Last winter I had a thing with someone. Unexpected. It was nice. It ended.
I think it’s been about three years since I had someone that made me feel…
I date here and there, but I walk around …trying not to care… that I do care .. that I’m alone. You know.. “Being happy with being alone, getting to know myself… for now. ” It gets old.
I live in one of the most populated cities in the world, and feel like the loneliest girl in this city. Spring nights, walking through the streets and avenues– so many people paired off and I’m just trying to get to my solo-date-night of choice. Ivy Bar.
Don’t get me wrong, I must say.. I do love who I have become, and am becoming. There’s a certain peace ..not having the particulars of all that comes with being in a relationship but I lack a companion, a partner, a friend, a lover.
I’m actually sitting at Ivy with a glass of Pinot Noir ( by myself ) next to a first date. Shoot me lol! My bestie, is on her way to a first date. Shoot me!
I wonder sometimes– ok God.. What’s the deal?! How long is this going to last? What am I missing ? I’m still not ready? Why me? This isn’t fair! It’s been long enough! .. Where is he?
I am not looking for completion. I am not looking for skin tones. I am not looking for zip codes. I am not looking for dollar signs or clean slates. This list could go on and on because, all of this time not being with someone has humbled me.
I am looking for spirituality. I am looking for passion. I am looking for respect. I am looking for committment… This list isn’t as long because, with time comes authenticity.
I’m ready for love.
I’ll be honest though.. I’m scared. The desire burns. The loneliness feels numbing. The fire in my heart wants to explode but is held back by the tears welling up in my eyes.
Ok that’s enough of the pity party. I’ll wait. He knows it’s worth it and so do I.
To be continued…
( Hopefully not for too long though lol )